Dear Dr. Drill,

Our squadron is having trouble with closing formation.  It seems that everyone gets dizzy and is prone to vomiting because of all the about-faces and saluting that’s going on.  Let me explain: 

It’s the first meeting of the month, and we’re doing promotions.  Everybody is in formation, and the squadron commander is calling cadets “FRONT AND CENTER” one at a time to report to him and get promoted.  Of course, cadets do an about face and step forward (toward the back of the formation), then they always face to the left of the formation and square their corners to get to Captain Krunsh, our Squadron Commander.  They report in by saluting, and saying, “Sir, Cadet Airman Smith reporting as ordered, SIR!”  Then they get promoted, and have to report out.  We report out just like we always have: by saluting, then taking a step back, saluting again, and doing an about face.  Of course, we square our corners in a military manner to get back to formation, at which point we enter from the front of our rank, step into position, and do an about face to face back to the front where Captain Krunsh is already calling his next victim.  At the end of the formation, the first sergeant dismisses us by using those two famous words: “Dis, MISSED,” at which point we all take one step back and do another about face in unison.  We’re all ready to collapse and DIE!

Three things I can’t understand:  1. Why do we always end up getting dizzy?  2. Why does formation take so darned long?  3. Why does Captain Krunsh always show up the next week wearing a brace for his shoulder?

Sincerely,

C/CMSgt Arthur Chokes

Dr. Drill Responds:

Dear Arthur,

May I call you Artie?

Artie, I’m not surprised your formations last until the next morning. You’re not reading the Bible of squadron formations, the AFMAN 36-2203! There is a lot at stake here, Cadet Chokes. So much, in fact, that Dr. Drill is going to do something seldom seen (much less approved) here on CadetStuff.org. Dr. Drill is going to split the answer to this question into TWO INSTALLMENTS. That’s right – you heard me! Two installments. No down payment necessary! No interest until 2005. Of course, certain restrictions do apply. Keep reading, and you’ll see what I mean. Let’s start with reporting to the squadron commander while in formation. Reference section 4.7 of “The Book” and go from there.

Assuming you’re doing this in LINE formation (as is directed in the manual), the individual is directed to report to the commander: “Cadet Airman Smith, FRONT AND CENTER.” After that, your story doesn’t hold water very well. In fact, it leaks like a sieve. If you’re the cadet reporting up front, all you have to do is take one step backward (you heard me, BACKWARD!) with coordinated arm-swing (best practiced in front of the bathroom mirror with the door locked), face to the left or right, and proceed to the closest flank of the formation. As for “squaring your corners,” the book tells you to proceed to the front of the formation by the most direct route. This means that diagonals are A-O-K.

Lemme ask you this, though, Artie. Why is Cadet Airman Smith force-feeding poor Captain Krunsh a Sir Sandwich? There’s no need for that! One SIR is plenty. It’s not like the guy’s been knighted by the Queen of England or anything! The proper method for reporting is found in on page 1-10 of Leadership: 2000 and Beyond. (Hint: that’s page ten of chapter one. That is… unless you’re reading the large-print version for the visually impaired, in which case the reporting sentence may, in fact, occupy pages one through ten!)

The part where newly-pinned C/A1C Smith salutes twice is really cool… and explains why Captain Krunsh is always wearing that shoulder brace the next week. Why the heck are you having your cadets salute twice? Trying to get a little extra practice? When returning to ranks, the USDA approved method goes like this, and I quote from 4.7.2: “The individual salutes, faces about, and returns by the same route to the same position in the ranks.” This means you approach your position in ranks from behind, face toward the front, and take a step to be in line with your element. Sound cool? IT IS! This business about doing things “like we always have” is a bunch o’ hooey. Crack the book, and try doing it the right way instead of the same way we always have.

Now we come to dismissing the squadron. Dr. Drill has two problems with your dismissal. Can anyone find the two errors in Cadet Choke’s story?

To find Dr. Drill’s highly sought-after, if not totally ignored opinion on this subject, you’ll have to stay tuned until next time. When is next time, you ask? BEWARE THE IDES OF FEBRUARY. Wait… that’s supposed to be MARCH. Oh, well. Julius Caesar could have used some extra warning, I guess. Tune in around the middle of the month: same Bat Time, same Bat Channel (or is that Cadet Time and Cadet Channel?) Dr. Drill is going to knock your SOCKS off with some high-tech multi-media fireworks that will surely raise the bar up to somewhere close to zero.

See you in a few days, boys and girls!

Dr. Drill