Long Distance Relationships

You might think it is odd to see relationship advice on a site like this, but this particular topic has some very real personal and professional implications for CAP members and CSers. Many public service careers involve frequent moves, business trips, and deployments. That means that if you end up in the military, federal law enforcement, or intelligence, you are guaranteed to find yourself in a long-distance relationship at some point for some length of time. The military has a saying that we recruit individuals but we retain families. Connectivity has exploded through Skype, Myspace, Facebook, and Cell Phones and people who wouldn't normally interact are now finding and falling for each other, so even people outside of public service are more likely to be in long distance relationships. Distance is notorious for putting strains on relationships and those strains inevitably impact the rest of your world.

I have been in long distance relationships since 1999, and it appears that one of them is working out pretty well. But it took quite a few years, and frankly quite a few attempts, to start getting it right.

Here are my lessons learned:

She (or he) has to be worth it

You need to decide whether to try to 'make it work' over long distance to begin with. If you can avoid a long distance situation, you should. All relationships involve effort and sacrifice, but long distance relationships demand exponentially more. Not every relationship is worth the pain-in-the-tail that a long distance relationship is sure to bring you. More importantly, it takes a certain personality to handle long distance. Some people need daily contact and affection and simply are not emotionally equipped to handle that situation. Both parties need to take an honest look at themselves and each other and decide whether they can handle it and whether they should even try to handle it.

It is Trite because it is True

Trust and Communication are the two things you absolutely have to get right in a long distance relationship

Trust- Trust is a big deal because it is all you have when you can't keep an eye on your partner. Your partner will inevitably work, play, and live among members of the opposite gender and fears and doubt can arise very quickly. When the demons of fear come out, you need something powerful to counter them. You build trust through transparency (being open about what you are up to, who you are with, and what you think of them) and through never giving your partner a reason to doubt you. You need to stay so far above reproach that when your partner's demons come out she or he can just laugh them off. Familiarity tends to encourage attraction, so it helps to meet her coworkers and the girls on his ultimate Frisbee team. That helps them realize just how attached you are, and it helps you to put it in to context when she says she is going to the movies with "Bob" tonight.

Bob from Work

What you picture if you haven't met Bob from work

Communication- When you are long distance, communication is all you have. You need more than just quantity of time, you need to build quality. It is easy to lapse into simply giving your partner a rundown of your day and to get distracted while your partner does the same. You need to take every opportunity to communicate and to make sure that communication means something. Do talk about your daily activities and make sure your partner knows they are a part of them, but make an effort to talk about something more substantial as well.

Get ready to travel

Depending on geography, you are going to spend a lot of time driving or flying to see your partner. Try to schedule those trips regularly so that you both have something to look forward to. Try to be as fair and equal as you can in splitting up who does the traveling and who buys the tickets. That money and convenience burden adds up very quickly and if one person feels like they are taking more than their fair share of it, you will have problems. Get into a frequent flyer program, and car rental program, and hotel program.

Build a good Comm Plan

Instant Messages and Texts are convenient, but not very conducive to quality communication. You can’t convey tone through a text message and it is easy to misinterpret what you are reading. To the greatest extent possible, use voice or video conferencing so that you can hear and, better yet, see each other. My gal and I are both very busy people with weird schedules, but we end up talking for about a solid hour each day. I believe that we actually talk more than most couples who live together and that is one of the sources of our strength. Actual mailed letters are always cute and romantic, take advantage of them. Make sure your cell phone contracts allow you unlimited talk time between each other. Never break up in a letter or an email- that is just wrong.

Get ready for high-highs and low-lows

The nature of long distance means that when you do see each other, it is a big deal: you are traveling, you are excited to see each other, you are eating out, you are sharing affection, you are catching up. That is a big high, and when you separate again, you tend to crash. I make a point of trying to regulate the highs and the lows by managing expectations, keeping a next meeting to look forward to, and generally trying to be mellow. Your meetings can be overwhelming (going from not seeing each other at all to seeing each other 24/7), your time together is precious, but sometimes the best thing you can do is give each other some space. When my gal and I meet up I usually spend some quality time on the internet and she goes and gets her nails done- it gives us a break from each other and we both benefit from it. Departures can be overwhelming as well. It helps to understate your departure, and don't dwell together in the airport terminal… make it administrative and routine.

Anyone can behave for a weekend

When you only see each other for a weekend at a time, you aren't getting an accurate picture. Anyone can be on their best behavior for two days. She will probably have her hair and makeup done. He will probably be more affectionate and generous with time and money. It is fun to live in a kind of fantasy honeymoon world during your time together and it is actually one of the benefits of long distance, but it is often just a fantasy and you have to be realistic about how you will handle each other when you are together full time. Make sure at least some of your meetings involve a "normal weekend" routine where you are just doing the normal errands and recreation you would do on a typical weekend.

Everyone has something to say about it

Probably the hardest part of long distance is dealing with friends and family constantly asking when you are going to be together or telling you that long distance is stupid. Long distance is certainly not for everyone, but sometimes you have to give it a try. You need to distinguish between your feelings and doubts and the doubts of your friends and family.

Subtle Changes

When you don't see each other, you tend to have an image of your partner in your head (which tends to get more unrealistic as time goes on). You aren't there to see your partner getting a new outfit or trying a new hairstyle, those changes add up pretty quickly and it sounds silly but they can be kind of traumatic at your next meeting. If you change something, let your partner know, try not to spring changes on your partner.

Recognize the warning signs

Recognize when the situation is unhealthy. If one person is doing all the calling, all the paying, all the traveling, or initiating all the affection, then you probably have a problem. If you find yourself discovering the local talent more and more, or forgetting to tell that girl you work with that you are taken, you probably have a problem. If you find that contact is more of an inconvenience in your schedule than the highlight of your schedule, you probably have a problem. If you find that you are missing him less and less, you probably have a problem. These problems don't mean that you need to call it quits, but they do mean you need to stand up and DO something to fix them. It might mean breaking up. It might mean seeing each other more. It might mean having a sit down face-to-face discussion about where you are and where you are going. Don't leave things unsaid, that just causes more problems. If you aren't happy, you need to say something to your partner before you cheat or do something you are going to regret.

You need a light at the end of the tunnel

Permanent long distance is stupid. If you are never going to see each other, there is really no point in being together. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you each might find someone closer who makes you even happier. At some point one or both of you is going to have to sacrifice some career or education ambition to be together. That is really hard for people to swallow in this era where both genders are expected to have total career ambition. Sorry if I am the first to tell you that life is not fair, but while you can do ANYthing, you can't always do EVERYthing and you may have to make a choice.

Bottom Line:

Some people see long distance as a problem in a relationship. From experience, I believe that long distance is not a problem in and of itself, but it tends to magnify other problems in a relationship. If you are meant to be, the experience can help assure you that you are. If you are not meant to be, you will find that out very quickly.